Body Image…

Growing up in today’s society is tough, full stop. There is so much pressure to look a certain way and be a certain size thanks to social media. It shouldn’t be this way and we should learn to love our bodies just how we are. I grew up being bullied all through high school by some very mean girls – I have no hate for them though as going through it has made me a stronger person inside and out. I always wonder if those girls still would of bullied me if we lived in a society where women should embrace who they are and not be judged by the way we look. Before my operation I hated myself. I don’t even remember when the self hate started but I think it was the moment during puberty that my boobs went from non existent to BOOM Pamela Anderson size! I don’t remember them being just a normal size at all. I hated my body so much I used to wear my cardigan all year round over my school uniform to “hide” myself and also used to get out of swimming by my mum writing a sick note each week. There was no way id be caught dead in those school one piece bathers… I tried to get out of sport each lesson too especially if it involved running or jumping. Every time I got an award at assembly or was up on stage for a dance performance I would get laughed at due to my size. It affected me so much I turned to over eating and binge eating. I could go through 6 pieces of toast in one sitting, trying to fill that void of self hate that bullying led to. It wasn’t until after my operation when I finally had confidence in myself. I still remember that first day of Year 12 walking into school with everyone staring at me, whispering that I looked different. I was slimmer with no boobs, just like the media said I should be. From then most girls treated me differently, even though I was the same girl inside just more confident and lost a few kilos. Its crazy to think back on it now …

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10 months postpartum of the twinnies pregnancy…

I’ve never really talked about it much but I’ve been through everything you could think of from starving myself to over eating. It began after so many years of hating my body and then having to research Anorexia in Year 12 English for an assignment. I was drawn in after joining a few groups back then on Myspace. I learnt so much about how to not eat and how to count calories that I wish I could go back and slap myself. I used to obsess over everything that went in my mouth and obsess over being able to see my ribs and hipbones. Id weigh myself every morning to see if id lost and I even joined a gym to over exercise. I look back now and wonder why did I want to look like that – so unhealthy? I went from overweight to underweight in less then 6 months and felt like I was in control of my life finally – but not for the right reasons. I weighed a tiny 49 kilos at my lowest and was a size 6 ! As much as I loved it back then I most certainly wasn’t healthy at all. Some days I wouldn’t even eat 200 calories and would gym for 2-3 hours. It needed to stop! It wasn’t until I began training with a PT that I realised how screwed up my thinking had been and so I chose to study Personal Training and nutrition myself. I began to enjoy the gym and not go because I needed to burn off so many calories for the day. Life is about balance. To enjoy exercise and still enjoy a glass of wine or some chocolate also. I wanted to help others feel good about themselves hence why I went down that path.

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My new stretch marks from the twins pregnancy…

 

Throwback to my body before kids when I had all the free time to gym when ever I liked!

Becoming a mum has taught me so many things about my body, that it truly amazes me. It has been through so much in the last year and a half I certainly don’t give it enough gratitude and credit it deserves. I tell Adelyn all the time that she is beautiful just how she is so why I don’t I believe it for myself? I don’t want my girls growing up hating themselves so I decided to try to learn to love myself just as I am. Yes I still want to work on my fitness and my strength, but what is stopping me in the mean time enjoying and running with my current mum bod. Cellulite and stretch marks are normal and almost every woman has them so why should be ashamed of them? Just because we don’t look like those airbrushed models who are setting some very unrealistic goals. My body may never look the same as before kids as it grew and adapted to be able to carry 3 kids in 2.5 years. Those new stretch marks from the twins I am learning to be proud of even if they are pretty much everywhere, those bigger boobs from pumping for 15 weeks to be able to provide for the twins in hospital, those wider hips from carrying an extra 15 kilos both pregnancies, those tiny IVF needle scars I have on my tummy allowed us to have a chance at another baby plus my c section scar that has been cut open twice plus an infection means it is by far not the most perfect scar – My Body is truly amazing! Mentally I need to remember what I have been through in the last year and I did what I needed to in order to survive – even if that meant eating takeaway 24/7 and over eating my emotions away from those bad days in NICU. Whats done is done and now it is time to work on myself and my happiness. 2019 is the time for us to learn to re love our bodies and be grateful for what they have gone through after children. Yes we may not be the same body shape as before kids but who cares? Lets lift each other up and embrace who we are here and now !

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